Do you believe in ghosts? No, not the spooky whimsical kind you hear about around
Halloween. I’m talking about the ghosts that lurk in our phones, laptops, and even at parties. If you are unfamiliar with this type of ghost at this point, let me clarify with an example. A good friend of mine (we will call her Sally) met the man of her dreams (let’s call him Bob) at a party one night. The two hit it off, had a grand night together, and exchanged phone numbers. Sally and Bob were texting, Snapchatting, and direct messaging each other nonstop for weeks thereafter. Sally really wanted Bob to take her on a nice dinner date, and hoped that maybe things could start to get serious between the two of them. However, one morning, as Sally sends her usual “good morning” snap, she checks her phone ten minutes later to find that she had been (dun dun dun) left on read. In other words, Bob saw her snapchat and failed to respond. A day goes by, that day turns into three days, and those three days turn into three weeks. Sally had been “ghosted.” Bob vanished, disappeared, and evaporated into thin air, with no text, no email, no direct message, no warning signs, and no explanation. Sure, this story does not seem as chilling as your typical ghost story, but to some, it is the most heart-breaking, yet common, experience in today’s young-adult dating culture.
“Ghosting” is an epidemic that I fear the young unmarried world is plagued with, and the
cause of this virus is something I am trying to understand. Whether it means unfriending, leaving messages opened with no response, or avoiding eye contact IRL (in real life), younger generations of the dating world are vigorously disappearing from the onsets of romantic relationships. If looking back on stories of my parents, grandparents, uncles, and even older brothers who are in committed marital relationships, I can only ponder on how they found love in less spooky times. For example, my mom met my dad at a high school dance. They started dating, wrote letters to each other long-distance throughout college, got married right after graduation, and are now approaching 33 years of marriage. So, when was the “talking” phase or their relationship, and how many times did my mom leave opened letters on her floor before writing back to my dad? The answer is never and none. Dating was simple for them, as it was for many young adults at the time. With no worrying about Instagram activity time or Snapchat scores, igniting a serious relationship was as easy as asking, receiving, and maintaining communication. So, what change in our culture contributed to the shift in dating norms and relationship ambiguity?
One correlation I can think of that has dramatically increased within recent decades is technology. Technology was invented to help us be more connected, right? So, how is it that the more apps and social media platforms we have at our fingertips, the easier it is for us to be ignored? Sure, technology does make things easier, which is one of its initial goals, but does easy just mean lazy in this sense? Perhaps the laziness and hunger for ease come with
our technologically-advanced cultural approaches to handling a breakup. We are all familiar with the agony of both sides of a breakup. Whether you’ve had your share of Nicolas Sparks’ styled disintegrations or just watched one of your friends attempt the
whole “we can still be friends” ploy, ending relationships has always been a difficult task for
those searching for (or searching to escape from) love. Understandably so, having an app to do the messy work of a breakup for you sounds very appealing. Just with a click of the “block user” button, you save all of the tears, angry phone calls, messy consolidation, and tricky questions. Where the problem resides in this strategy, however, is with the idea of handling a tough situation by idly ignoring it altogether. If people continue to ignore potentially budding relationships from forming, who’s to say they won’t ignore other things like taxes, their health, or worldly problems that may need attention, like global warming and homelessness? With that said, it can be argued that a very careless and push-aside mindset buddies alongside this phenomenon of “ghosting.” Although I wish I could just “ghost” my homework or the dishes, my responsibilities aren’t disappearing anytime soon.
The dismissive and abandonment mentality associated with “ghosting” could be in
correlation with numerous factors of the young-adult dating culture today. For starters, “dating” is not as common as it once was. In fact, most breakups occur before the relationship is even made “official” (who decided what the word “official” meant is an entirely different conversation in itself). In other words, “commitment” is the big, scary monster that creeps under the beds of our young adults, as it entails ideas of boredom, strictness, and dare I say…responsibility. This is why I assume casual relationships are such a fad. “Friends with benefits” is one way to label it, but we’ve all seen the rom-com of this strictly physical affiliation stirring up problem after problem. Sure, it may be the hip, spontaneous, and thrilling thing to do for people who are not ready to settle down, but why are people so afraid of feeling real, HUMAN feelings for one another? It’s like as soon as someone reacts naturally to an intimate situation, they are shut down, deleted, and turned off forever (aka “ghosted”).
Maybe it is that young people are braver to admit they do not want to transform into their parents’ monotonous, gray-haired, back-aching lives just yet, or maybe the generation of unmarried adults just happens to be more immature and unprepared for a stable relationship. Or perhaps the impending doom of relationships leading to marriage, leading to kids, leading to old age, and leading to death is what the young existentialists are avoiding. Regardless, people are not computers; you cannot just wipe their hard drive and move on with your lives. So, I’m sorry to inform you that that girl you blocked from your phone probably still thinks about you, and she most likely wonders what she could have done that was so horrible for you to cut off communication with her completely. In fact, she probably went through more trouble to contact you in other ways than she would have if you just simply told her you just weren’t interested. So why hide behind a Ouija board when you can summon your spirits face-to-face? I know it may be easy for me to ask, as I have never had to break up with anyone, but wouldn’t your conscious feel better giving someone the thoughtful closure they need to hear?
Phone screens may not have feelings, but people do. Studies on neuroscience and
biobehavioral relationships have shown that "social rejection of any kind activates the same pain pathways in the brain as physical pain, meaning there’s a biological link between rejection and pain." Thus, staying connected to others has evolved as a human survival skill. It is what we crave from the time we are born until we enter our graves. It is what we initially search for with all of our social networks, websites, and dating apps. But when you get ghosted, there’s no closure, no explanation, and no communication, so you question yourself and choices which sabotages self-worth and self-esteem. It is the ultimate form of rejection – silence. So, if it is so painful to be ghosted, then why do so many young adults do it and accept it? The evolution of the young-adult dating culture overlapping with the development of technological communication could be an answer to this question.
While these “ghosts” continue to haunt our social lives, the act is seemingly becoming
desensitized and strangely accepted. Sure, the first time getting “ghosted” feels like being swept into the underworld itself, but the more it happens, either to themselves or their friends, the more people become numb to it, and the more likely they are to do it to someone else. Could this just be a progression of dating that we will eventually all accept and live accordingly by? Maybe it is just easier for both parties in this case. If she doesn’t respond in say three days, you just accept the fact that you’ve been “ghosted,” and you move on with our life, free of confrontation? To some, this may sound like a utopian world. To others, this is a catastrophe, and they crave emotional connection and communication with every individual they form any type of relationship with. Either way, the line between communication tactics is blurred in the “ghosting” culture today, as some accept it, and some despise it. Whether the line will retreat to traditional methods of communication or push for a more stoic approach is a question only time can answer.
Dating is a tricky subject, especially for young-adults today, as it has become a vicious
cycle that has taken any appearance of human emotion almost entirely out of the picture.
Although I may be wrong, as I have not experienced first-hand what is was like to date decades ago, I am pretty certain that the “ghosting” culture we live in is a reason for many of the difficulties in the foundations of modern relationships. Uncertainty is hung over the heads of every young-adult talking to a love interest for the first time, out of pure fear of being abruptly left in the darkness. Yet, while some dread this, others instigate it even more. The avoidance of discomfort, embarrassment, backlash, and emotional vulnerability are some of the motives I can assume “ghosting” is driven by. What does this mean for the future generations of the young-adult dating world? Do we need to call the ghostbusters, or should we just accept and adapt to the chilling phenomenon? As much as I’m frustrated by the “ghosting” culture, I’d like to think that there are still good people behind it. I have faith that we are not all selfish, desensitized robots, controlled by the endless of swiping, liking, and feeling validated. I’d like to believe that as much as we all lie, deceive, and discontinue, what we want deep down is still to tell the truth, trust each other, and form healthy relationships, even when it is painful and uncomfortable. Personally, I see it as something to learn from. I quite frankly do not want to from a long-term relationship and eventual family with someone who does not have the audacity to communicate feelings with me. Therefore, if I ever get to encounter the thrill of being “ghosted” by a man, I can use it as closure in itself, allowing me to see the true spirit of the guy. This may be me already adapting to this culture, and perhaps that is alright.
We all live in one giant haunted mansion, whether you choose to believe it or not. But fear not, my fellow ghost hunters! With all of the evil spirits in the world, I’d like to still believe that Casper the friendly ghost is out there somewhere, looking to call someone his boo.
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